You may have seen a link making its way around Facebook titled, “My Son is Gay,” by a mother whose 5-year-old son wanted to dress as Daphne from “Scooby Doo” for his school Halloween party.  It’s a wonderful, inspirational story about a mother’s understanding of her son’s own gender identity and the repercussions of society on her allowing him to express himself freely.
I just read that post, and was suddenly reminded of my own experience with a similar situation.
I was in 8th grade. Â It was around Halloween and my school– a very conservative Catholic school— was holding its Halloween Party for the school kids. Â Keep in mind that at that time, 8th grade was considered part of the elementary school, so this party would be for grades 1-8.
The year was 1984– Michael Jackson and Madonna were hot costume ideas. Â But I decided that I wanted to something a little different, albeit a bit less current. Â I put on one of my mom’s old wigs, an old dress (or it might have been a caftan, I don’t remember exactly), and then put on makeup. Â I was no artist, but I did the best I could. Â I found a pair of nylons and a pair of her shoes. Â Then I found some of her “costume” jewelry and completed the look. Â I wanted to go as “Tootsie,” the 1981 Dustin Hoffman character.
I showed my mom what I had done. Â And do you know what she did?
She said, “I think it’d be fun!” Â I asked her, “Do you think the kids would make fun of me?” Â She replied, “It’s Halloween. Â You can go as whatever you want. Â It doesn’t mean anything… it’s just for fun.”
So then we showed my dad.
That didn’t go so well. Â Aside from his surprised reaction, and maybe a little bit of yelling, he didn’t have a massive tantrum (as I expected). Â He was definitely shocked by my appearance, but he was more gravely concerned about what would happen if I went to the party dressed this way. Â You see, only a few years prior, I had left my original grade school because of incessant teasing from the other kids. Â I don’t think the teasing was ever about my being gay (or the possibility thereof, as I certainly hadn’t come out yet); but because I had such a rough time at the first school, I think he was worried that this would set off a lot of problems for me at this school. Â Granted, I was in 8th grade and we were going to be graduating soon anyway– but I understood why he was so concerned.
He didn’t say that I COULDN’T dress as “Tootsie,” but he encouraged me to reconsider my choice– for my own sake.
So after some long talks about it, we decided that I would change courses and go as a greaser. Â (“The Outsiders” was also a popular movie and book at the time– so instead of going as a woman, I pretended I was Rob Lowe. Â Or Tom Cruise. Â Or Tommy Howell. Â Because I had a crush on each one of them.
In any case, I nearly became that kid in the recent blog post. Â I just didn’t have the guts to follow through with it. Â My choice had nothing to do with my sexuality, or even my gender identity. Â I have never considered myself feminine, and to this day I think I make one hell of an ugly drag queen! (Which is why I’ve only done it once.) Â I just was playing around with my mom’s stuff, came up with a funny costume, and thought it’d be fun to go as that character.
What touches me most, as I recall that day, is how bravely my parents dealt with it. Â There were no knock-down, drag-out fights like I expected. Â Just some serious discussions about whether or not it was best for me to do it. Â And I especially love my mom for encouraging me to do whatever I wanted. Â She never said no. Â And she still doesn’t to this day.