I missed last night’s Emmy Awards ceremony because I was at Chorus rehearsal.
I’ve heard and read such awful things about the broadcast that I’m not sure I’ll be anticipating next year’s ceremony with any sort of excitement. Honestly, after that painful writers’ strike of last year, you’d think these guys and gals would come up with something that would have given us, the viewers, something to relish and appreciate. Instead, we got train wrecks like this:
(WARNING: Please do not watch if you have recently eaten a meal. You may involuntarily purge)
Clip courtesy of Best Week Ever
It’s the holiday time (or Christmastime if you want to be specific and controversial). It’s time to travel to all regions of the country to be with your family. It’s wise to be safe, and travel intelligently.
So it is with this knowledge that I post these helpful hints to keep in mind when travelling to various states within our union. A few thoughts before we start, though, after reviewing the list. You’ll see what I mean.
- Who knew that camels were so highly regulated?
- Winshield wipers are a vital accessory for any vehicle.
- It’s best to just stay indoors on Sundays.
- Indiana is one fucked up state (although I already knew that).
- I don’t want to be invited to anyone’s home for dinner in Tennessee and West Virginia.
What a country we live in!!
- It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
- It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
- Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
- It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
- You must have windshield wipers on your car.
- Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
- It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
- It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
- Hunting camels is prohibited.
- There is a possibility of 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
- When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses.
- It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.
- A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
- Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school or place of worship.
- It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
- No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
- Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths and elephants.
- Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
- It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
- It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
- One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o’clock.
- Persons classified as “ugly” may not walk down any street.
- It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
- Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
- It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
- In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.
- It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.
- You may not educate dogs.
- It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.
- If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
- You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
- It is considered an offense to shower naked.
- You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
- It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body, which lies in a funeral home or in a coroner’s office.
- Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
- One man may not be on another man’s back.
- It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
- Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.
- Coins are not allowed to be placed in one’s ears.
- Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
- You may not fish on a camel’s back.
- Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime.
- You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of “eavesdropping” on your own conversation.
- Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.
- It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.
- It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks or milk.
- No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.
- Men are prohibited from standing in a bar.
- You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table. The waiter or waitress has to do it.
- Drinks on the house are illegal.
- Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.
- It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid’s ears.
- Kisses may last for no more than five minutes.
- One-armed piano players must perform for free.
- A man with a mustache may never kiss a woman in public.
- It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp.
- Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats.
- The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks.
- If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.
- It is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky.
- It’s illegal to fish in the Ohio River in Kentucky without an Indiana Fishing License.
- All bees entering Kentucky shall be accompanied by certificates of health, stating that the apiary from which the bees came was free from contagious or infectious disease.
- By law, anyone who has been drinking is “sober” until he or she “cannot hold onto the ground.”
- It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
- You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.
- You may not step out of a plane in flight.
- Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.
- It’s illegal to take a lion to the movies.
- You may not curse inside the city limits.
- You can not have antennae exposed outside of your house yet you can have a 25′ satellite dish.
- Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited.
- It’s illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a building, not in a city, unless there are 2 exits.
- It’s illegal to sell fewer than 24 ducklings at a time before May 1, or to sell rabbits, chicks or ducklings that have been painted a different color.
- No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
- Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.
- Affiliation with the Communist party is illegal.
- It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.
- Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden.
- A woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission.
- It is legal for a robber to file a law suit, if he or she got hurt in your house.
- You may not swear in front of women and children in the state of Michigan.
- Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony.
- Smoking while in bed is illegal.
- All men driving motorcycles must wear shirts.
- Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays.
- It is illegal to drive around the town square more than 100 times in a single session.
- Hard objects may not be thrown by hand.
- Minors can buy rolling paper and tobacco but not lighters.
- Four women may not rent an apartment together.
- It is a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.
- It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.
- Balls may not be thrown within the city limits.
- If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.
- It is Illegal to go whale fishing.
- Barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7 A.M. and 7 P.M.
- It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
- A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day.
- You cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay off a gambling debt.
- If a person is caught raking the beaches, picking up litter, hauling away trash, building a bench for the park, or many other kind things without a permit, he/she may be fined $150 for ”maintaining the national forest without a permit”.
- You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only.
- On a highway you can not park under a bridge.
- It is against the law to “frown” at a police officer.
- If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates.
- It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.
- Raw hamburger may not be sold.
- State officials ordered 400 words of “sexually explicit material” to be cut from Romeo and Juliet.
- It’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public.
- It is against the law to throw a ball at someone’s head for fun.
- The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
- A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
- While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.
- Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.
- During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.
- Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.
- You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.
- Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
- If a man and a woman who aren’t married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married.
- Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited.
- You may not ride a bicycle without having both your hands on the handle bars.
- It is against the law to rollerblade on a state highway.
- Beer and pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
- It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
- It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon.
- It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
- It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
- The Ohio driver’s education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.
- Breast feeding is not allowed in public.
- It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.
- Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes.
- No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July.
- It’s illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
- Items left on a tree lawn become city property. A young man was fined for removing an item from a tree lawn even though he had the owner’s permission.
- It is against the law to roller skate without notifying the police.
- A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him.
- Throwing a snake at anyone is illegal.
- Riding on the roof of a taxi cab is not allowed.
- You may not run out of gas.
- Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
- Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
- Tattoos are banned.
- It is illegal to wear your boots to bed.
- Fish may not be contained in fishbowls while on a public bus.
- Tissues are not to be found in the back of one’s car.
- If you wear New York Jets clothing, you may be put in jail.
- Molesting an automobile is illegal.
- You may not pump your own gas in service stations.
- Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.
- It’s against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink.
- People may not whistle underwater.
- Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.
- One may not box with a kangaroo.
- No more than two people may share a single drink.
- It is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel. However up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.
- You may not sing in the bathtub.
- Fireworks stores may not sell fireworks to Pennsylvania residents.
- Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk.
- Motorized vehicles are not to be sold on Sundays.
- You may not catch a fish with your hands.
- Though you do not need a fishing license to fish on your own land, but a hunting license is required to hunt on your own land.
- All fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires.
- No one is allowed to sleep on a refrigerator.
- Professional sports, except ice polo and hockey, must obtain a license to play games on Sunday.
- It is considered an offense to throw pickle juice on a trolley.
- You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.
- It is a capital offense to inadvertently kill someone while attempting suicide.
- It is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays.
- It is illegal to sell any alcoholic beverages on Sunday, unless you own a private club.
- Horses may not be kept in bathtubs.
- By law, if a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, the marriage must take place.
- It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
- Movies that show police officers being struck, beaten or treated in an offensive manner are forbidden.
- It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
- “Crimes against nature” are prohibited.
- Driving is not to be done while asleep.
- It is legal to gather and consume road kill
- It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
- It’s illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM.
- It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
- You can be legally married by publicly introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.
- It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don’t need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
- It is illegal to milk another person’s cow.
- It is against the law to fish from horseback.
- It is illegal not to drink milk.
- It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can’t detonate them.
- Birds have the right of way on all highways.
- It’s legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.
- Throwing snowballs will result in a $50 fine.
- Whistling underwater is illegal.
- Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
- You cannot sell lettuce on Sunday, but you can sell beer, wine etc.
- It is illegal to spit on sidewalk.
- Driving while not wearing shoes is prohibited.
- It is illegal to tickle women.
- It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.
- People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.
- It is illegal to pretend that one’s parents are rich.
- Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.
- Road Kill may be taken home for supper.
- Whistling underwater is prohibited.
- At one time, margarine was illegal.
- While all cheese making requires a license, Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker’s license.
- It is illegal to kiss on a train.
- It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.
- It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking.
- You may not take a picture of a rabbit during the month of June.
To get the best deals on hotels Barcelona, check the internet first. You’ll be able to get great vacation packages for Rome hotels as well. For some of the best prices on Amsterdam hotels, check out a online hotel booking site.
A lovely trip to the London Zoo will allow you to view an exhibit of… people.
That’s right, scantily-clad people. Men and women, traipsing around in fake fig leaves. The least they could do is wear natural colored bras and skivvies.
Of course, from the picture, it appears that man is represented by men and women in couple form.
So where are the gays?
Watching the men, of course!
The full story? Right here.
My co-worker directed me to this website today. The author, one Wendy McClure (a Chicago girl!), has displayed her mother’s (or her grandmother’s, she isn’t quite sure) 1974 Weight Watchers recipe cards for all the world to see. But if that isn’t funny enough, she writes some of the most drop-dead hilarious comments for each one. I nearly fell off my chair I was laughing so hard.
I know there were some weird fad diet foods in the 70s… but this takes the cake!
Or the Snappy Mackerel Casserole, if you will.
Click on the above image to see more. You’ll be glad you did!