Good advice from a friend

My friend Ricardo sent this list of very helpful hints in an Email to all of our friends today. 

It’s good to have friends like Ricardo. 🙂

Free ways to make yourself look more attractive so you can get laid:
1. Ride the L instead of driving so you will run into people
2. Ride your bike along the lake and eye the cuties 3-4x/week
3. Walk/Jog along the lake and pretend you need CPR 3-4x/week
4. Reduce carbohydrates
5. Reduce sugar
6. Eliminate candy/pastries/beer from your diet
7. Sleep at least 8 hours a night
8. Join a support group
9. Join a church
10. Quit complaining

Good advice, isn’t it?  I think someone’s been reading my blog! 🙂

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Blue Balls

My sex life, like my dating life, is nothing to write home about.  It’s nothing to write in a blog about, either.  Hence why I don’t write about sex very often.

So it seems that I am forced to live vicariously through the sex lives of my friends.

Lately it seems everyone is getting laid more than me.  And by more I mean anything more than once in two weeks.  Because that would be one time more in the last two weeks than I’ve had sex.

Can you tell I’m a tad sexually frustrated right now?

The online world has been extremely unkind to me lately, and I’m about ready to dump it again.  As I swiftly approach 40, I’m starting to sense that I’ve become “yesterday’s news” and overall highly un-marketable.  Sure, there are things I could do to improve my odds– join a gym, ride my bike more often, change my diet, sleep more, have liposuction– the possibilities are endless, but to do all of them requires a great deal more resources than I have on hand at the moment.

I won’t even address dating.  Anything that hasn’t happened once in the last 2 years or more should not even be brought up.

I have been getting better about getting out and doing things, however.  I went to dinner and had drinks afterward with some friends on Saturday, and did pretty much the same again on Sunday.  So that was fun.  No complaints about being cooped up all day long this time– although the weather has been so oppressively hot and humid lately it isn’t all that fun to go out during the day anymore, anyway.

But today’s post is titled “Blue Balls” because, quite frankly, I just don’t know what to do about my sexual and/or dating situation anymore.  I’m tired of empty sex.  Probably the reason why I don’t get laid so much anymore is because I don’t really even seek it out anymore.  Even when I’m online, and I see a guy to whom I am attracted, I don’t bother making a first move to say “hi” or “what’s up.”  First of all, he probably won’t reply anyway (90% of the guys online don’t), and second, if he actually IS interested in something, to hook up just for meaningless sex is so much work, and I’m tired of putting forth the effort for such a measly reward.

So I just don’t bother with it. And I sit there and grow more and more sexually frustrated, until I’m about ready to explode.

You see where this is going.

No… it’s not going to the nearby bath house.  I can’t fit one of their skimpy little towels around my fat ass anyway.

No… it’s not going to the bar with the dark and seedy “back room.” I have never been a big fan of anonymous sex.

In fact, I don’t know where this is going.  And that’s part of the problem.

I just don’t know what to do with myself.  (Sorry for the Burt Bachrach allusion.)

But I’m going to do my best to figure it out.

The Shittiest Sex I Ever Had

Let’s face it… we’ve all had shitty sex at one time or another in our lives.  But this is the nastiest thing that EVER happened to me.  And it was shitty.  VERY shitty.

This was about 5-6 years ago.  I was living with roommates in a three-bedroom, two-bath apartment, and I was home alone.  So I met this guy online and he came over. We got down to business and suddenly I smell it… he ain’t just not clean… he’s full of shit– if you know what I mean. VERY FULL.

So I immediately get off of him and say, “You know what, I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to either go to the bathroom and clean up or I can’t continue.”

He just said, “OK” and went into my bathroom. (I cleaned up in the other bathroom.) I heard the shower running, and after about 10 minutes or so, he came out and started to get dressed. By that point I was ready for him to go anyway.

He didn’t say much of anything, just “See ya,” and he was out the door.

I went into my bathroom and got ready to take a shower– but something stopped me in my tracks. Something just did not smell… right.

I opened the curtain to the shower… and he had SHIT ALL OVER MY FUCKING BATHTUB! There was shit EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!

I almost threw up. It was absolutely disgusting. I coated the entire floor of the bathtub with Comet until I couldn’t see it anymore and then grabbed the toilet brush and started scrubbing while the water ran. Thank goodness I had a full can of Comet… I just kept scrubbing, adding more Comet, and scrubbing some more… taking breaks to run into fresh air to gag and catch my breath.

Needless to say, he was NEVER invited back again!

Time Management

Why is it…

…that when boys like him

and men like me

decide to get together

and have crazy,

hot,

and wild sex…

…we make that decision at 2 in the morning?

Gays need better time management skills.

Don’t you think?

My ass is kicked

Work has been brutal this week.  And it’s only going to get worse next week.

I’ve put it extra hours every day, with two 12-hour days to add to that.

So I apologize for not blogging much.  Honestly, when I get home from work lately, the last thing I want to do is hang out at my computer. 🙂

Not to say I haven’t wanted to post… I just haven’t had the energy to come up with anything.  I’m only posting now because I had a guest over and he only now just left. 

Yes, that kind of guest.  And don’t get all goofy on me.  It wasn’t all that great.  I thought the guy would NEVER LEAVE. 😛

Anyway.

I’m heading to Kenosha tomorrow morning. Yes, I said morning.  As in when my mom calls to wake me up and I get my ass out on the road. 

I just want to relax… It sucks being a responsible child.  But I gotta do it.

Anyway, just wanted to check in.  I’m here.  I’m alive.  And I’m going to bed.

Alone.  Finally!