I’ve been told by more than one person lately that I’m far too negative. I focus on everything that’s bad and let it eat at me until I can’t see what’s good anymore. In some ways I guess I knew this, but I never realized how bad it was until very recently. I don’t like that about me. I never have. It’s something I need to be more aware of and something I need to fix.
I’ve felt alienated by a lot of people lately — friends, acquaintances, and co-workers alike. I’ve felt much more alone and much less social. And as the weeks have passed, I’ve become concerned that something was at the root of all of this. I didn’t realize how much of that root involved me and my own outlook on life.
Talk about a spring awakening!
So what am I going to do about all of this? I’m working on that, but I think there is one way I can start to get back to my center and work my way out: Get a massage.
For the past few months or so, I’ve been hounded by a friend of mine in the Feast of Fools community to get a massage. And although I know his heart is in the right place, I’ve done just about anything and everything possible to avoid doing it.
Thing is, he’s absolutely right.
In fact, he’s told me on more than one occasion that I should look into regular massages. Not only would they help me relax, he says, they would help me to focus more and be more attuned to the things that need attention in my life.
Surely I can’t argue with that logic. At times my life feels like I’m teetering on the brink of disaster. Just the slightest gust of wind or sesmic jolt could send this house of cards on a freefall that will never end.
So an hour or so of complete silence and the hands of a good masseuse can’t be a bad thing. I just need to get my shit together long enough to make an appointment and do it.
Of course that’s easier said than done. In this economy, where grocery prices are skyrocketing and gasoline is more expensive than gold, things like a massage seem like a distant luxury. But groceries can’t relieve my aching shoulders. Gasoline can’t lull me into a meditative state. Well, I suppose it could, but I’d kill a few thousand brain cells at the same time.
So my goal for this month is to get this massage taken care of. And the sooner, the better. Because I really need to start relaxing and enjoying life again. I need to smile and laugh more. I need to be a better friend and a better person in general. Then, once I take this step, I may decide to take other steps. The more steps I take, the better I will feel about myself, which hopefully will be recognized by the people around me.
I don’t like who I’ve become lately. And if I don’t like myself, there’s no way other people will like me.