I need a lot of coaxing to get up in the morning. This is because I am typically not a morning person.
For normal people, a single alarm clock will do the trick. It can either be set to a radio station or an annoying beep– either way, normal people will get up, and start their day.
I, however, am not normal.
For the past few years, I have had two clock radio alarm clocks, plus an alarm set on my cell phone– all hellbent on either waking me up or irritating the piss out of me. Usually both.
This morning, however, one of my alarm clocks was invaded by an evil spirit. And this evil spirit WOULD NOT DIE.
If you look in yesterday’s photo of my new bed, you can see it. It’s just to the right of lamp on my bedside table. This is the Evil Alarm Clock.
Normally, at 6:30 a beep emitted from the contraption. This morning, that happened, as it has happened for the last few years. I hit the “off” button and rolled over and continued my dreams.
Then, at 6:45 a radio station began to play.
In my semi-lucid state, I reached over to hit the “snooze” button. Nothing happened.
I then reached over to the “off” button. Still, nothing happened.
I tried this combination of attempts another 2-3 times, each with the same results. And with each attempt, I was becoming more and more aware of the situation. Something was wrong. Surely it would have shut off by now.
The radio station began playing a song. The volume was up pretty loud, and the song began to pierce into my brain. It was driving me mad.
Now I was sitting up on my bed, hitting random buttons on the monster, trying to get the thing to shut the hell up. NOTHING was working.
So I unplugged the demon from the wall. It proceeded to beep in short, grating tones. I plugged it back in, and the radio picked up right where it left off.
My next plan of attack was to change the batteries on the bottom of the beast, figuring they were probably dead and not allowing me to shut it off until I changed them. Still nothing.
Finally, my primal state took over and I started beating the evil creature. This only made the bottom of the unit pop off with the battery casing intact. It began to alternate between beeping and playing the radio.
That did it. I unplugged the Spawn of Satan. I removed the batteries, which finally silenced all noise. And I walked into the kitchen and threw the motherfucker in the trash. I didn’t need that extra alarm clock, anyway. I had too many as it was.
It did, however, do one last good deed on its final day of operation– it definitely woke me up today!