Take a look at the above photograph. Take a good, close look.
Click on it if you want to, and get an even closer look.
This photograph was on the front page of Monday’s Chicago Tribune.
At this point I could ask you to write your own caption to describe what is going on here. Go ahead, think of one. Got it? Good.
Now read the actual caption that accompanied the photograph:
“Glenda Ford of Elgin goes through labor pains Sunday in Provena St. Joseph Hospital while husband Bruce Ford watches the Bears game. Their son was born hours later.”
Now tell me, dear reader… WHAT is newsworthy about this photo?
But wait… there’s an accompanying ARTICLE about this historic event to boot!
The article basically states, in far too many words, that this warm, loving couple are bringing their baby into the world and will make sure that baby is a Chicago Bears fan. It’s a part of an ongoing series of reports called “Bears Watching: Finding diehard fans wherever they are,” that the Tribune has been publishing since the Chicago Bears started winning a lot of games.
I can’t help but wonder if articles such as this are actually in jest, or fully, completely, serious. Take, for instance, this paragraph:
“Normally on a Sunday, Bruce, an Elgin resident and lifelong Bears fan, would have had to listen to the game in the car during a break from his job at a firearms company. Instead, he was continuing, in the hospital, the Ford family tradition of watching the Bears play.”
Never mind the fact that the man’s wife was having a fucking BABY, of course… never mind the fact that she was going through LABOR PAINS while he stood, slack-jawed and drooling, watching a goddamned FOOTBALL GAME.
The next paragraph raised my ire even more:
“‘The Bears are spanking the 49ers right now, which is good. I don’t have to worry about concentrating on them. I can concentrate on her.’ Ford said Sunday afternoon as he stroked the hair of his wife, Glenda. “I can concentrate on welcoming a little Bears fan into the world.'”
Oh what a sweet, loving, and generous husband you are, Brucie. What a wonderful precedent you are setting for dads all over the country. How nice you put your concern about the Bears BEFORE that of your wife. How nice that this has been published all over the city… state.. and probably country.
I am happy to report that the baby was born just fine and healthy. They even printed a picture of the bouncing baby boy on page 13 (how lucky for them!) Of course, however, his dad barely made the birth, as is evidenced by this later paragraph from the article:
“With about 11 minutes left in the game, the score was Bears 41, 49ers 3. But 2 was the number that Glenda Ford was keeping up with: her contractions were two minutes apart. ‘The Bears have 41 points. It’s over. This game is over.’ Bruce Ford said, as he turned his head away from the TV and toward his wife, who had just been seized by a wave of contractions. ‘Take deep breaths, deep breaths.'”
Take another look at that picture, folks.
It’s right there in glorious color– evidence of the end of civilization as we know it.
Better start preparing for it now.