Struggling

Life is a struggle.

We’re told this from the day we are born, practically. Nothing ever comes easy. You have to work hard to make it.

Life isn’t fair.

It seems that sometimes I just go through the motions of life. I get up, shower, get dressed, go to work, come home, and go to bed just to start it all over again. Sure I have friends and two cats to feed, and a family that loves me, but I just feel like something is missing from my life.

And it seems like a cop-out to say it, but I think that “something” is the presence of someone else to share my life.

I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and wonder, “Why am I single? I’m not ugly. I’m not a complete loser. I have a job, a nice home, a repsectable circle of friends. I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke, and I don’t do anything to endanger the lives of other people.”

So what is wrong with me?

I know it’s not fair of myself to ask that question, but I can’t help it sometimes. I go out and I see couples and I wonder what brought them together. How they knew that they were right for each other. Who asked who out? What was their first date like?

Since my last relationship ended, I went through many stages of rebuilding… the hardest of which was to rejoin the single world and be able to present myself as a single man, instead of someone in a relationship. I didn’t know how to be single anymore. The things I once found easy– talking to guys, meeting new people, and asking a guy out on a date– were suddenly hard to do. In some cases, they were impossible.

Three years later, I’m still having trouble with this. I see guys that I might be interested in, and I freeze. I lack the courage to say hello, so I wait for him to make the first move, which of course he doesn’t. And then I feel awful because even though I didn’t try in the first place, I’ve been rejected anyway because the guy didn’t approach me instead.

I need help.

I put ads on personal sites and I get a few responses, but when I respond back to their responses, I never hear anything back again. Either that or I get responses from people completely out of sync with what I’m looking for.

The other day I saw an ad for a matchmaking service, and I called the number, but they wanted me to pay $700 up front for “guaranteed matches” with people. Highway robbery. How can they “guarantee” a match like that? And what if none of their matches works out? Then I’m still single, plus I’m out $700. I declined their offer.

So what can I do? I’m trying as many things as I can, but I just feel like I’m missing something. I really don’t know what to do or where to turn next. I do know that I’m ready to date again, and I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with someone.

I’m just struggling with the way to make that happen.

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