Dearest Tom Cruise,
I want to start this letter by telling you that I’ve always liked you. As far back as I can remember, I thought you were pretty cool. OK, I had a crush on you. I won’t lie. I’ll never forget the issue of “Teen Beat” that my sister bought with you on the cover in a tank-top. I about wet myself.
Let’s face it, Tommy. You’ve had one heck of a career. Nobody can deny that. You’ve been a heartthrob teen star, a dashing young man, a swinging single, a devoted husband and father, and then a once-again available divorcee. And yet you’ve always remained high in the public’s admiration.
But Tom, you’re blowing it. Big time.
First of all, let’s talk about that monkey act you pulled on Oprah. I mean come on. Beating your chest and swinging your arms like a friggin’ chimpanzee. Over what? A girl? Who’s half your age… or LESS?
What’s going on, Tom? Why are you resorting to such foolishness? You’re not 20 anymore. You’re not even 30. You’re in your 40s. 40-something men do not jump on furniture. They don’t do backflips. They don’t act like 10-year olds. What’s gotten into you?
OK fine, you love the girl. Great! Good for you. But can’t you just sit there like a grown man and say so? Why the antics? Why the acrobatics? We’d believe you if you just tell it to us straight … er… honestly.
And all this Scientology stuff is getting out of hand too. We’ve been hearing about it for years, but it’s starting to get ridiculous. How many brains have you washed in your lifetime? Nicole converted. (But is she still “in”? I wonder.) Now you’ve got Katie. And now she’s “in” too.
Oh now I’m not begrudging your right to believe what you want to believe in. This is America after all, and it is, despite what some people want us to believe, a free country. But all this machination is just a little bit too suspicious, Tommy Boy.
And now you’re engaged? Well what a surprise that was! How long have you been dating her, Tom? A month? Two? How well do you know her, really? Have you met her parents? Do they approve?
Well I would be happy for you, Tom, but what I read the other day in the papers, which you know always print the truth, really cinched it for me. You said that you asked her to marry her to quell the rumor mill and put an end to the tabloid witchhunt. Oh Tom. Have you learned nothing in your 42 years? The hunt has just begun.
Of course, it may be just mere coincidence that both of you have movies coming out right about now… Katie has that Batman flick and you get to play Orson Welles or something or other in War of the Worlds. Coincidence? Ha. Come on, Tom. You know exactly what you’re doing. You’re playing this for all it’s worth, and you’re loving every minute of it. You’re getting attention galore, and YOU LOVE IT. It’s been kind of quiet on the Cruise front for the last few years, and you just couldn’t stand it. Yeah ok, you dated Penelope Cruz for a while, but oh, I don’t know, something about the Cruise/Cruz rhymey-rhyme thing probably didn’t appeal to you so you nixed that one.
Thing is, I just don’t buy it, Tom. I really don’t. In fact, it’s been hard for me to buy in to most of your romances. Yeah I know the rumor mills have been going around for YEARS about your sexuality, but I really don’t care about that anymore. If you’re gay, fine. If you’re straight, fine too. I’m just tired of hearing about you. I’m tired of seeing your face. I’m tired of hearing your shrieky voice. I’m tired of the tabloids salivating over your every move. It’s getting old, and I am over it.
So Tom, do me a favor and just shut the fuck up. Please. Go away. Get married if you must (again), move to some deserted island, and stay there. I’m done with you. I don’t care what you do, I don’t care who you date, and I don’t care who you “love.” If you’re so hungry for attention that you have to pull these stunts and make these scenes, then you’re more screwed up than I ever thought before. Get help buddy. And get lost.
At least Nicole seems to be doing well. Which is good, ’cause I always liked her better anyway.
Best of luck.