Dear Martha Stewart

Dearest Martha,

Welcome back to the real world!

I was so glad when I heard you were released from prison the other day. It must have been so hard to leave the unfreindly confines of industrial gray walls and iron bars. I bet you are tired of having those horrible prision guards bark at you to get up in the morning and do your chores every day. I bet you did a lot of laundry. Isn’t that what prision bitches do? Lots of laundry?

How was the food? I can’t imagine that you enjoyed it very much. When someone is used to having Filet Mignon in wine sauce over freshly culled organic lettuce and a side of hand-made pasta, shit-on-a-shingle can’t be very appetizing. You do look like you’ve lost weight, dear.

What’s that you say, Martha? Oh yes, I am quite fond of olive drab, myself. And stripes are so slimming, don’t you think? They’re incredibly in right now. Go to any Gap or Old Navy and you could go blind for the stripes all over the place.

What? No stripes? No olive drab? And the food wasn’t awful? What kind of prison did they send you to?

Well, Club Fed or Club Med, you are home again. Back home with your horsies and your enormous estate, just ready to chop down a tree and make a festive homemade wreath out of the branches.

What’s that cute ankle bracelet you’re wearing? A homing device? Really! And you can’t leave your house? Except to go to work? Oh that must be rough. Too bad you make only $900,000 a year. Oh, and you can do TV shows again? Boy, house arrest really is a bitch.

Well I must say, Martha, you do look fabulous. And I can’t wait to see what your new reality-TV show will be like. You say it’s another version of “The Apprentice?” I can’t wait. You know, Martha, I just ordered a Digital Video Recorder from my cable company, so I’ll be sure to set it up for the premiere.

Oh yes, Martha, it truly is a good thing. Best of luck to you.

Oh… just a little advice… you’ve just been to prison, darling. Cut the holier-than-thou act. We’re on to you now.

Gracious living!

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