On how I really need sex badly (and other nonsense)

OK this may be a little bit more information that I’ve divulged as of late, but so what. Here goes.

I need sex. Badly.

I’m an oversized bottle of lube, sitting in the linen closet, collecting dust. I’m condoms that are expiring before your very eyes. I am a porno movie just waiting to be made, but with nobody to star in the damn thing.

I’m oversexed without the sex.

And the sad thing is, as each week passes, I am slowly noticing that my desire for sex is slowly leaving me.

Is that bad? Or is that good?

Does this mean that I am no longer so addicted to sex that I need it 24/7? Or is it really true that after a certain amount of time, one can somehow return to a virginal state?

Yeah OK, it’s not #2. Because hell, once it’s done, it’s done. And believe me, it’s ALL been done. If you know what I mean.

I gotta be honest, the days of having the overwhelming urge to fuck the living shit out of any of-age male figure that moves in front of me has passed me by. Sure, I still spend hours of my free time online, and you can find my mug in any number of Internet-based hook-up or dating sites– usually online– but now, instead of intently cruising the list of screen names to find the perfect bottom to match my top, I let the chats and listings sit while I browse people’s blogs or work on a design project that is probably due in the next 24 hours or so.

And you know what? I don’t mind that one bit.

Before I found blogging, I spent 99% of my online time cruising. And I mean serious, hard-core cruising. And I’ve done some really stupid things in that time. Royally stupid. There were days when I’d have sex with more than one partner. There were days when I’d have sex with more than two. And I didn’t care. It just never bothered me.

Now for some reason it does. Call me picky. Say that I’ve matured. Or that I’ve grown out of that phase of my life. Whatever you want to say, or however you wish to word it, I just don’t feel the need to devote that kind of time to cruising for sex anymore.

So is that good? Yes. I think it’s good. I think I have turned a very important page.

And sure, I can still be found on cruisy sites. But it doesn’t mean I’m doing anything. In fact, given the fact that I haven’t had sex with another person in nearly 3 months– and before that there was a 4 month gap between partners– it’s probably safe to say that I am moving out of that phase. And I have maybe matured somewhat.

I’m going to be 35 years old. I think it’s time for me to start thinking more maturely anyway.

On how I have really wonderful friends

Tonight I drove four of my good friends out to another friend of ours’ family’s home in Glenview, IL for a dinner party. He had actually cooked a lovely dinner for us all, just because we were his friends. (I should note that this particular guy is the aforementioned “Cute New Chorus Guy” I was going on about a few months ago. All that happened back then is water under the bridge and we are now on very friendly terms.) The evening was wonderful, filled with lots of laughter and conversation, wonderful food. and of course, wonderful friends.

So no matter what happens, no matter how lonely I may feel, no matter how horny I may get… the fact that I have wonderful friends like these outweighs all issues, obstacles, and problems I may be having. I’m very, very thankful for that.

On how I could care less about the Oscars®, yet I will be at a particular Oscar® Party tomorrow evening, and you should be there too!

Yep, CGMC is hosting their annual Oscar Party tomorrow night. And while I won’t be singing (I must have missed that memo) or anything, I will be in attendance. $40 at the door goes to CGMC and gives you free drinks for a few hours, free food, and free glances at Chicago’s finest men. Oh yeah, it’s at Sidetrack, always a fun place for a party. Starts at 5:00 PM. Be there or be Cher. Or something like that.

On how happy I am that Jay won “Project Runway

OK I know I am a few days late in talking about this, but if you missed the finale of Bravo’s “Project Runway” you missed one hell of a show. It had everything. Drama, cat-fighting, drama, tears, drama, laughs, drama, fashion, drama, bitchiness and of course… DRAMA. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no fan of drama in real life, but when it’s on TV, where it belongs, it’s FUN. And my boy Jay won. WOO HOO. He absolutely rocked. I am so proud of my big teddy bear. Now I can’t wait for season two!!

On how I have a new (temporary) gig

Starting today, you will be able to find me guest blogging for Pua while she takes a break to deal with some difficult recent life events.

For those of you who don’t know Pua, she is absolutely one of the warmest, most wonderful people I have ever met– and I haven’t even met her face-to-face yet. Her heart is bigger than the entire Pacific Ocean, and I am honored to have even the tiniest island insde that enormous expanse.

So for a short while, Pua has asked me to sit in for her at “Warm Cookies With a Whiskey Chaser,” her newly-named home. Won’t you stop by and check it out (if you haven’t already,) and while you’re reading what I have to say there, read back and get to know the wonderful person that is Pua. You won’t be disappointed.

I've got the music in me!

Thanks, Patrick… thanks a lot. 🙂 And thanks to Tuna Girl for tagging him.

But it’s true, I do have the music in me. Wanna hear?

OK before the weekend dropoff occurs (too late) I wanted to get this post written and… well.. posted.

Yep.. it’s the music tag-game-thingy. So here goes: (Note: The grammatical policeman in me couldn’t help it. I had to correct the horrific grammar in the “Questions.” Sue me.)

What’s the total number of music files on your computer?
Holy friggin crap.. I have 3,520 files!
Now I should add, for any government-type officials that might be out there… 90% of those are ripped off of CD’s that I OWN. So nyah. Keep your cuffs to yourself.

The last CD you bought was:
Oh dear… Um… Hm… I think I bought two or three. Duran Duran Astronaut, The Carpenters As Time Goes By and one other that slips my mind at the moment.

What song did you listen to just before reading this message?
“Fever” by Michael Buble (yummy)

Name 5 songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you and tell why they mean so much:

1. I Know You By Heart and Over The Rainbow – Eva Cassidy Maybe it’s her tragic story. But the music that Eva Cassidy produced in her brief lifetime stands on its own without even that to back it up. Something about Eva just drew me to her instantly, and to choose two songs (let alone ONE) is really difficult. These two songs just seem to embody what her music means to me. Now of course, to say “her music” is to imply that she wrote the songs herself. And of course she didn’t… “Over the Rainbow?” Cmon. But Eva had the ability to take a song– in most cases one that you knew and loved already– and interpret it in such a new and fresh way that you would swear you were hearing it for the first time. These two songs probably evoke the most emotion from me because they came along at a very particular time in my life… when my ex and I split and I was literally despondent. The lyrics to “I Know You By Heart” rang truest of all…

Midnights in winter
The glowing fire
Lights up your face in
Orange and gold
I see your sweet smile
Shine through the darkness
Its line is etched in my memory
So I’d know you by heart.

Mornings in April
Sharing our secrets
We’d walk until the morning was gone
We were like children
Laughing for hours
The joy you gave me
Lives on and on
‘Cause I know you by heart.

I still hear your voice
On warm summer nights
Whispering like the wind

You left in autumn
The leaves were turning
I walked down roads of
Orange and gold
I saw your sweet smile
I heard your laughter
You’re still here
Beside me every day
‘Cause I know you by heart.

Now I ask you… how can you hear those word and not be moved?

2. Bridge Over Troubled Water – Simon & Garfunkel – It is just one of the most perfect songs about friendship and love, and the fact that if you love someone, whether romantically or not, you will do anything for that person. I used to sing this song when I had my cabaret show.

3. Honesty – Billy Joel – So true, so very, very true. Honesty is such a lonely word. My life in words and music. I also used to sing this at my cabaret show.

4. By My Side – Godspell Soundtrack(s) – I know that Patrick posted this one too, but dammit it is an incredible song, and ever since I did Godspell in high school many years ago, this song has never failed to move me. The words aren’t necessarily religious, but again invoke a sense of loyalty and comfort in knowing that someone you love will follow you wherever you go… by your (my) side. Favorite version – from the movie.

5. Hallelujah – kd lang and/or Jeff Buckley– This is an instance where the song itself particularly moves me, no matter who sings it. But these two versions, by the incomparable kd lang and the late great Jeff Buckley, are absolutely stellar.

6. When October Goes – Barry Manilow (Why do I only get to choose five? Screw that!) – Words by Johnny Mercer, music by Barry Manilow… the song is absolutely priceless. Another of my former cabaret standards.

7. You Should Be Dancing – Bee Gees – You just try and keep your toes still when you hear this song. IMPOSSIBLE!

8. Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow – Roberta Flack – Early Roberta Flack is flawless. Absolutely flawless. And her interpretation of this song (a Carole King classic in and of itself) is as flawless as she was. Completely different than any other version you’ve heard. Story of my lovelife.

9. The Man With The Child In His Eyes – Kate Bush – There’s a reason why Kate Bush takes years between albums. She puts out consistently original and powerful music. And that takes time. This song is certainly no exception. Two more Kate songs I adore: This Woman’s Work and Moments of Pleasure.

10. Rocket Man – Elton John – C’mon did you think I wasn’t going to include this one? Simply put, one of the greatest pop songs ever written. Might not mean anything at all, but what pop song really means anything? And hell, it’s where I got my “name”! 🙂

Who are you going to tag next? (3 persons) and why?

Jake – ‘Cause nobody’s asked him yet. And I think his answers will be entertaining.

Scott – ‘Cause he just needs more hits on his blog. (After only a month. Sheesh.)

Feisty Girl – ‘Cause she’s just plain friggin’ cool. 🙂

Forbidden Romance

He was her paramour. She was his first love. They were young… too young to marry, yet old enough to know that the attraction was real.

They met as seniors in high school. They were sweethearts; the kind that you see in romance novels and weepy chick flicks. Yet the time just wasn’t right for them. They went their separate ways shortly after graduation, and she met another man who eventually won her heart.

He wasn’t so fortunate… not so soon. And he still pined for her, even though she belonged to another.

Fifty-something years prior to today, she remembered him telling her that he would do anything for her. He would even wait for her, just in case.

Just in case. The chances of just in case happening were slim. But he took that chance, and waited. For twenty years.

She married her new love, and raised a family.

Finally letting her go, he met another and married as well. Yet they remained close friends; their bond never dying.

When her husband passed away, he remained diligently by her side, while still remaining true to his wife. He supported her in her pain, helped her when she needed a hand, and continued the bond that had begun so many years before.

As he approached the eve of his life, he drew close once again to the one he always loved.

And he felt younger than ever before; as if the close of his life allowed him to profess the love he always had for her.

And when his soul left this world, her world suddenly became darker.

For she realized that she truly loved this man, and now he was gone.

Was this a missed opportunity? Or was it the realization of true love that always existed?

For her it was both, and while she wouldn’t have had it any other way…

Now, she is truly alone. Alone with memories. Alone with time.

But alone with the love of two spirits in her heart.

Big things are coming… I hope!

Everybody and their brother (and sister) lately is re-designing their blogs. I’m getting self-conscious. (Imagine that, a gay man with a self-image problem! Unheard of!!)

So… I went and designed what I want my blog to look like. I can do that much at least. I just need someone with the skills and the patience to make it happen… if they can!

First, I must add that I have installed WordPress on www.rcktman.com . Currently my presence there looks like this:


Seen that before? So have I. I want something more fun and funky. (I do like the new name I chose. Much more suitable don’t you think?)

So this is what I came up with:

Anyone up for a challenge? 🙂

Happy Holiday

I love government holidays. I especially love when my firm decides to give us the day off because of one.

Which makes me think of something I love even more… 3-day weekends.

Which is what I’m experiencing right now.

I’m going back to bed. Don’t wake me. Please.

Oh could you be a dear and stop by Pua’s place while you’re making your rounds? She just baked a batch of Warm Cookies With a Whiskey Chaser. That’s the new name of her blog, and it couldn’t be more perfect. When that girl sets her mind to doing something, she goes right on ahead and does it. One of the many things I admire about her. Oh and she just got a part-time job too. Now that’s what I call being driven! Congrats Pua! Now I gotta change my blogroll. 😉

In other blognews, an old blogger friend is back in town with a new look and a new home. And it’s damn cute, just like he is.

All this remodeling and redesigning makes me jealous. I would love to spruce this place up, too. I just don’t know how. I have ideas (nothing in stone yet) but don’t know how to execute them. Plus I would love to change the name. I never really liked “Rckt Ramblings” but it was all I could think of when I created this place. I need something more… me. That’s something I’ll have to ponder today while I’m laying in bed… after I have slept a few more hours.