Lost in myself

I haven’t been myself lately.

I was actually supposed to spend part of the weekend with my family but because I had the flu bug, my mom encouraged me to stay home. I sort of wish I hadn’t, but I needed the rest. I must have slept a combined total of 24 hours over the course of the weekend. Obviously, I needed the sleep.

I’ve actually spent more time in the last few days just shutting myself off from the world. I’ve been sleeping. I’ve been reading. I’ve been playing with my cats.

I made chocolate chip cookies on Sunday. (That’s nothing to be alarmed about, I just wanted to mention that I am so domestic. You want me now, don’t you?)

What’s wrong with me? Nothing. I sometimes just get lost inside of myself and want to be alone. No friends, no bars, no family, nothing. Hardly even any blogging. Just me-time.

In fact, when I went to chorus rehearsal on Sunday, I felt a strange twinge of agoraphobia unlike any I have ever felt before. I had shut myself off so effectively that I actually feared being in a crowded situation.

Was all of this the result of my being disappointed with the election? Because I had a touch of the flu toward the end of last week? Because I was angry at the world and would rather not have associated with anyone?

Maybe it was a combination of all of those things. But I’m better now.

I’ve turned a corner. I am ready to face some new challenges– changes in my life.

See, I have been doing the same thing over and over again for probably the last 3 years. I go to work. I come home. I fire up the computer. I chat. I cruise online. I occasionally hook up. I go out with friends on weekends. I go to chorus on Sunday. And on Monday, it all starts over again.

It’s time for a new cycle.

So with all that being said, here are some things I want to see happen for myself in the next 6-12 months.

1. I want to start actively dating again. I haven’t been good with dating in a very long time. My mind, heart, and body are all ready for this. I am tired of being single and, more importantly, being slutty. I am moving past that. The prospect of online hookups bore me now. I am sick of the whole scene. I want to get to know someone, have dinner with him, see a movie, hold hands, and talk. Is that too much to ask?

2. I want to buy my own place. I am tired of renting and paying into someone else’s pocket. I am becoming more financially stable and it’s time for me to take the next step. I thought that I couldn’t do that until I got “Married” but I can’t wait forever. I will start actively looking into this after the holidays.

3. I am going to read more. I recently rediscovered reading and am loving it. I finished a book that I started almost 1 1/2 years ago and have started two more. I’m finding that reading is much more productive than, as I said before, sitting online. This is something that is already in progress.

4. I am going to go back to the gym. Yes, folks, you read this correctly. I have been paying into a gym membership for the last 4 years and haven’t gone. Once. That’s right, I have been wasting my money. So one of two things has to happen here. One, I start going again (to Bally’s) or I cancel the damn thing and get a membership somewhere that I know I will go. Suggestions are encouraged here. I can use all the motivation I can get. But dammit, it’s time I do something about it.

5. I am going to take voice lessons. I sing well, and I have gotten by quite well on my own thus far, but… I want a solo in the next chorus show. I didn’t say a group number or a “cover” role. A solo. Just me. I will succeed. (Insert visions of “Showgirls” here, if you must.)

6. I will volunteer more. I have three different friends that work for three prominent gay and/or HIV/AIDS organizations in Chicago. They are always looking for volunteers. I want to give more of my time to causes that make sense.

And finally,

7. I will brood less on my blog. Pissy people don’t hold on to readers. I’ve discovered this to be true. I want more readers. Therefore, less brooding. See how that all works?

OH… and nine days til New York City! Whee! I can’t wait. 🙂

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