I need a maid.

My place is a pigsty.

My mom would be so upset with me if she saw it right now. I get home from work and I just want to vegitate. I have no energy. I toss the mail here, my socks there, my work pants here… it’s starting to look like Fred Sanford’s place in here. I’m embarrased to bring tricks over, let alone a potential date. This is wreaking havoc on my sex life. What’s a bachelor to do?

I need a maid.

OK so maybe that’s lazy of me. Well, fine. I will completely own up to the fact that I AM LAZY. There, I said it.

But I’m also fairly poor and can’t really afford a maid.

I can hear you now: “Get up off your dead ass and clean.”

Yeah, yeah, in a minute.

Now, Mister!

Yes, Mom.

I just hate trudging out the vacuum cleaner and attempting to suck up all the cat hair on the sofa. Mopping is a bitch. (I hate hardwood floors.) I don’t have a dishwasher, so there’s always dishes to do. And you can forget about windows, because they’re replacing all the windows in my apartment building anyway.

But the thing I don’t understand is just how all this clutter happens? How do people keep it from accumulating? The thing that drives me the most nuts is the mail. I get so much SHIT that I can’t find enough places to put it anymore. Mail sucks.

I need a TLC Clean Sweep.

8 thoughts on “I need a maid.

  1. Don’t make me give you the same speech I gave palochi. How much is your time worth? Hiring a once a week cleaning crew really made a difference in my life. I’m happier and more social. It’s worth every penny.

    Maybe you could make some extra money as a phone sex worker.

  2. Okay, if you take Tuna Girl’s advice, I’d call. Just sayin’. On the topic of cleaning, unfortunately I’m one of those people where everything has its place and should be in its place at all times. I think that’s called anal-retentive, but I shouldn’t discuss my sex life in public.

  3. As a fellow messy male – I feel you man. Exstensive research had proven that the minute the pants are dropped, the trick/date usually could care less about the state of the apartment.

  4. I’ve finally worn down the spouse to allow me to touch his piles. Now if I can get him to approve of the idea for me to become a full-time house-husband, our piles will be history.

  5. Tuna Girl: I’m seriously considering it. I really love coming home to a clean house. It’s just that when I start getting lazy it builds upon itself. I have got to break this nasty habit first, then I can consider finding someone to KEEP it nice… Oh and re: Phone Sex: Hehe… What are you wearing? 😉

    obliquity, here’s my number – 555-HOTT :0) And don’t most of us bloggers talk about our sex lives in public? Isn’t that part of the experience? 😉

    blah blah blah grrr- if your pants were dropped, you’d feel me. (SORRY I HAD TO SAY IT 😉 But seriously… this is true… in the world of trickdom, unless it’s squalor (which mine isn’t,) they ain’t gonna care.

    Joel – umm… touching your piles… isn’t that sort of sickly kinky? 😉

    Pua – You’re a dear… but I’d rather sit and bullshit with you all day long about our crazy lives. 😉

    riye – Excellent observation… and something I am striving to do more of in my life. I’ll remember that. 😉

    Tuna Girl – re: Teenagers… Man am I glad my slave labor days are over. 😉

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