Dear Oprah Winfrey

Posted in General
Oprah. Girlfriend. We gotta talk.

I think you forgot someone in that big car giveaway on your first show for this season. Didn’t you get my letter?

My car is a true, proverbial “piece of shit” car. It’s been hit 3 times, all while parked. It needs an oil change. It needs new brakes. I can’t afford all this crap on my salary, with all the other things I have to pay for in life.

Where’s my Pontiac G6?

While you’re at it, there’s a few other things I could use. Could you get your people on these?

• A new condo, preferably a penthouse, on Lake Shore Drive, overlooking Lake Michigan. I like lots of windows.
• A new bike. Mine is broken. Top of the line only, please.
• I would love a new wardrobe. No, not a place to put my clothes. New clothes. Lots of them!
• Free groceries would be nice. How about a lifetime supply, home-delivered? Whee!
‚Ä¢ Nate Berkus’s phone number. C’mon, you know he’s gay. Plus I think he’d really like me. A lot.
‚Ä¢ While you’re at it, my mom and dad could use a new house. So could my sister and her husband.
• Could you help me find a husband too? I know you can, Oprah.

Now Oprah, girlfriend, I know I’m not a woman. So that reduces the chances that I’d get anything by some 99.9%. But I am gay, Oprah. You know you love the boys. C’mon, girl. Get crackin’.

Oh and if I come on your show and don’t get anything- anything at all, I’m gonna be mighty pissed.

But I do still love you Oprah. Really.

You go girl.

Shopping, that is.

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Published by Rick

Rick Aiello knows something about cheese - he was born and raised in Kenosha, Wisconsin. Since moving to Chicago in 1997 he has involved himself in Chicago's music and arts scene, both as a cabaret artist and as a member of the Chicago Gay Men's Chorus. With a taste for the ridiculous and fanciful, he began his personal blog, Rick's Launching Pad in 2004. Rick lives in Chicago with his two furry children, Pippin and Screech, and enjoys photography, music, cooking and men... not necessarily in that order.

16 thoughts on “Dear Oprah Winfrey”

  2. I have heard Nate Berkus’ name in the same sentence with “nose candy” more times than I’d like to think about.

    And I’m speaking as a man who almost got fixed up with him once. So I’m an expert.

  4. I have heard Nate Berkus’ name in the same sentence with “nose candy” more times than I’d like to think about.

    And I’m speaking as a man who almost got fixed up with him once. So I’m an expert.

  10. Joel – I have enough trouble finding a date… 🙂

    Jake – Ew. But he’s still hot.

    Pua – Thanks 🙂

    Brechi – Hi! Thanks for the comment… and yes, she forgot a lot of us. *sigh*… maybe next time.

    Scott – So true. Oprah could only DREAM of being that fabulous. 🙂

  13. Joel – I have enough trouble finding a date… 🙂

    Jake – Ew. But he’s still hot.

    Pua – Thanks 🙂

    Brechi – Hi! Thanks for the comment… and yes, she forgot a lot of us. *sigh*… maybe next time.

    Scott – So true. Oprah could only DREAM of being that fabulous. 🙂

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