Dear Oprah Winfrey

Oprah. Girlfriend. We gotta talk.

I think you forgot someone in that big car giveaway on your first show for this season. Didn’t you get my letter?

My car is a true, proverbial “piece of shit” car. It’s been hit 3 times, all while parked. It needs an oil change. It needs new brakes. I can’t afford all this crap on my salary, with all the other things I have to pay for in life.

Where’s my Pontiac G6?

While you’re at it, there’s a few other things I could use. Could you get your people on these?

• A new condo, preferably a penthouse, on Lake Shore Drive, overlooking Lake Michigan. I like lots of windows.
• A new bike. Mine is broken. Top of the line only, please.
• I would love a new wardrobe. No, not a place to put my clothes. New clothes. Lots of them!
• Free groceries would be nice. How about a lifetime supply, home-delivered? Whee!
‚Ä¢ Nate Berkus’s phone number. C’mon, you know he’s gay. Plus I think he’d really like me. A lot.
‚Ä¢ While you’re at it, my mom and dad could use a new house. So could my sister and her husband.
• Could you help me find a husband too? I know you can, Oprah.

Now Oprah, girlfriend, I know I’m not a woman. So that reduces the chances that I’d get anything by some 99.9%. But I am gay, Oprah. You know you love the boys. C’mon, girl. Get crackin’.

Oh and if I come on your show and don’t get anything- anything at all, I’m gonna be mighty pissed.

But I do still love you Oprah. Really.

You go girl.

Shopping, that is.