I think you forgot someone in that big car giveaway on your first show for this season. Didn’t you get my letter?
My car is a true, proverbial “piece of shit” car. It’s been hit 3 times, all while parked. It needs an oil change. It needs new brakes. I can’t afford all this crap on my salary, with all the other things I have to pay for in life.
While you’re at it, there’s a few other things I could use. Could you get your people on these?
Ä¢ A new condo, preferably a penthouse, on Lake Shore Drive, overlooking Lake Michigan. I like lots of windows.
Ä¢ A new bike. Mine is broken. Top of the line only, please.
Ä¢ I would love a new wardrobe. No, not a place to put my clothes. New clothes. Lots of them!
Ä¢ Free groceries would be nice. How about a lifetime supply, home-delivered? Whee!
Ä¢ Nate Berkus’s phone number. C’mon, you know he’s gay. Plus I think he’d really like me. A lot.
Ä¢ While you’re at it, my mom and dad could use a new house. So could my sister and her husband.
Ä¢ Could you help me find a husband too? I know you can, Oprah.
Now Oprah, girlfriend, I know I’m not a woman. So that reduces the chances that I’d get anything by some 99.9%. But I am gay, Oprah. You know you love the boys. C’mon, girl. Get crackin’.
Oh and if I come on your show and don’t get anything- anything at all, I’m gonna be mighty pissed.
But I do still love you Oprah. Really.
You go girl.
Shopping, that is.
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