Thinking

[Listening to: Rhapsody in Blue – George Gershwin – (17:23)]

I do a lot of thinking.

Thoughts enter my head in patterns that would surprise some. My train of thought has a lot of cars, and the track winds around many odd curves and over lots of troubled waters.

How’s that for deep?

Here are some thoughts that have been on my “train” lately.

Blogging
I’ve been a blogger for two months now. I still don’t feel like I have found my “voice” yet. I don’t know what the purpose of all of this is. Is it a place for me to vent my feelings? Where I can express my deepest thoughts and emotions? Is it a place where I post random stuff? Where I can share the silly moments of my life? Is it somewhere I can meet a boyfriend? Where I can truly, at last, be myself?

I’ve met some incredible people through this medium already. The majority of them are listed in the sidebar to your right. Through their thoughts and expressions, I have learned things about myself that I didn’t know existed. I have realized that many of my problems are shared by people all over this country.

When I first came out, I had the typical reaction of “I am so alone.” Throughout time, of course, I have come to realize that this is not true. However, at times I still feel alone.

Maybe that’s because I’m still single after three years. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had a relationship that has lasted longer than one year. Maybe I am trying too hard, or focusing too much energy on what is WRONG with me, and not what is RIGHT.

That’s what blogging is helping me to realize. I am not the only person in this world who has problems.

[Listening to: All This Love – DeBarge – Ultimate Collection (05:51)]

I had some problems
And noone could seem to solve them
But you.. found the answer
You told me to take this chance
And learn the ways of love
And all that it has to offer
In time you will see that love won’t let you down…

Strangely enough, this song started playing as I was typing this out.

Relationships
As I mentioned before, I have had only one true relationship that lasted only a year. Dwelling on this gets really depressing, I gotta tell you. I try not to, but sometimes, I can’t seem to help it.

This relationship ended very suddenly. I thought everything was wonderful up until the day it collapsed. The gory details of what happened are for another post at another time. This one’s already long enough. But suffice it to say, it took me a long time before I felt I was ready to sustain another relationship. Trouble is, I feel like I’ve lost so much time. I feel like there isn’t anyone left for me out there.

Growing up in Wisconsin, I thought that if I moved to the big city, guys would be pounding down my door. So I moved here. Ha. Not the case.

So I tried to seek out that relationship experience. I found myself disappointed and frustrated. The old saying is true. “If you seek it out, you’ll never find it.”

All of my friends from my early coming out years have been in relationships for the last 4-5 years. They have bought homes and settled down. I still feel like I’m 25 years old and not sure what lies ahead. I’m going to be 34 this year. I’m not getting any younger.

Money
I got a letter today from the IRS. It seems that I owe them $1500 from my taxes in 2001. I don’t know what the hell happened. I don’t know where I am going to come up with that money.

Money has always been a problem in my life. From childhood to adulthood, I have never had good luck with money.

I have a nice home, but I still rent. I drive a car. I have food on my table and my cats never go hungry. I pay my bills. But this just sucks. Just another thing to worry about.

Family
The whole ordeal with my parents and getting them ready to move out of their house has caused great stress lately. My father had a bad fall the other day while I was camping. He is having so much trouble walking it scares me. I hate seeing my parents get old.

Friends
After the weekend in Saugatuck, I have a newfound appreciation for the friends in my life. They mean so much to me. I am a lucky man.


Rafael (The Vegetarian), Jeremy (The Makeout Boy) and Arnie (The Laugh)

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